Seriously, that is kind of an omen. I got up, got myself a glass of iced tea, took a sip, and then searing pain through my temple? So uncool!
Conflicted seems to be my state of mind today. I’ve been staying in a pretty good mood lately. Motivated, social, generally just a happy kinda person. Today it seems the past couple weeks have just culminated in me wanting to scream, or just start driving.
See here’s how my brain works. Obstacle comes up, handle it, move on. Another obstacle, continue to handle it, keep moving. Overthink everything. Worry about anything that could possibly happen. Obstacle, handle it, minor break down but keep moving. Keep moving. Distract myself in any way I can think of. Keep moving. One last tiny little obstacle and it’s just done. My brain just says no, time to stop adulting, lay on the floor, kick and scream. BUT! I won’t do that, no way! So keep moving, but with a slow burning angry frustration just under the surface.
Seems healthy right? lol.
Here’s my last two weeks: Unplanned trip to NC and SC due to Dad’s 65th birthday. It happened to coincide with my husbands work trip to NC so, ok, doable. That means all the things I was working on gets put on hold, but I could use a break, so cool. Get everything set up, pack, prepare and off we go. Halfway to NC, get a phone call that my biological father that I have literally NO relationship with AT ALL also is in SC. Internal mental and emotional breakdown, but deal, keep moving. Both of my sisters dealing with fairly serious health problems. I’ve got this, keep moving. Sister calls, asks if I’m going to see the “father”, I explain that I don’t want to see him, just to find out I’m unknowingly on speaker phone with him as well. Ok, a minor break down at that point seems fair. I mean, I didn’t want to hurt the man, at least not accidentally lol. No really, I just don’t want anything to do with him. Ok, and we’re moving. Set down ground rules with family. Only going to be in town for three nights, spend one day and night with each sister and one with my Mom. Good Plan. Get pressured by all family members move back to SC though I have a home and life where I have lived for 11 years. Keep moving. Get pressured by all members of family to change all plans to spend any time with any other family members. Still moving. Barely get to see my son who now lives in SC as I’m trying to keep everything on a good note with the family. Eat out every single meal for a week! Ugh, the wasted money!!! Moving, moving. Multiple family get togethers including TWO birthday parties. Convince my brain it does not need a break from socializing, cause that is just not going to happen any where near the family, and we’re moving. Find out my oldest niece now hates me, up to and including ignoring my entire existence, because I have a small problem with her being a pathological liar and neglecting her children to the point of them being taken away and my older sister raising them, and now the niece wants them back. Yeah, that’s cool, no worries, makes sense. 12 hour drive home, trapped in a car, for 12 hours . Relieved to finally get back home though. Wake up Monday, super motivated! I can keep going, this is good, make lots of progress. Ignore that my sons and husband are doing almost NOTHING to help, including barely even cleaning up after themselves. Keep moving. Tuesday, not bad, lots of progress, got to talk to my very best friend, feeling good. Wednesday, unplanned visit to daughter in laws to take her coffee. Totally worth it! Great coffee, good visit, and got to play with my grandboy! Rest of the day is thrown off a bit, but still making progress. Wednesday night, sore, omg so very very sore. Oh and btw, find out my husband is going to be traveling for the next four weeks. FOUR WEEKS!!! Ugh!!! Ok, it’ll be ok, he’s just the best friend I have in the world, my co-parent, partner and the person I talk to about LITERALLY EVERYTHING! It’ll be ok, keep moving… None of this is even including all the things running through my mind, all the things I’m trying to figure out how to do on as little of a budget as I can work out, learning french, wanting to start meditating, working out, oh and spring is on it’s way. Ok, now how do I balance all the indoor projects with wanting to get a garden going and keeping my yard pretty? Oh, and then there’s all the news, sighs, better to just try not to think about all that.
Look, there are so very many good things in my life and I am so very grateful for all of them. BUT, this morning, I’m just tired and wish anything could just be easy. Anything at all. I’m not being picky here. I realize I am so lucky to be able to stay home and not have to go to work everyday. I’m lucky in so many ways I can’t even count them all.
Oh well, off to clean bathrooms and organize closets. I know I’ll feel better for accomplishing things. Really, I will… just wish I wasn’t so tired today.